so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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