I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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