if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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