Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
