Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
