My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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