True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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