based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
