I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
