But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
where am i from again
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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