I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
