i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
