im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
either way he was missing a nipple.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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