i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
