Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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