probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
