Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
