i don't like sucking hair
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
