Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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