I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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