i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Fuck appropriateness.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
