I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
