Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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