fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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