nut hugger
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
