call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
