i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
