She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
