I think I died a long time ago.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
