The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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