man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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