youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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