i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize