He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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