Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
he fucked my hip out of place.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
