the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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