are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
