I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
