Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
This house was built for laser tag.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Drake has all the answers
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
