FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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