Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We need to rekindle our bromance
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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