I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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