I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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