I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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