after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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