Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
