I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
