matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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