I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
