Pregnant stripper...not hot.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
