I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
