Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
