I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
