I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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