i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
