SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
