You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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