genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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