i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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