I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
