So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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